what. the. duck.

blogging is a motherducking waste of time.

pakikilakbay ng alamat

ako si pauee at wala na akong magagawa dun. ako ang spoiled brat sa mundo ng blogesperyo. walang kapararakan lahat ng pinagsasabi ko pero pipilitin kitang magbasa. isa akong living irony. pauee by day and pauee by night dahil hindi naman ako nagpapalit ng pangalan.

masakit sa bangs

ano ang mga sintomas ng masakit na bangs? unang una, dapat mahapdi ito at hindi mo mahawak-hawakan. pangalawa dapat ito'y namumula. pangatlo, namamaga at mukhang matamlay. so sa iyong pagsisiyasat, masakit ba ang bangs mo?

Para sa taong pinakanamimiss ko sa lahat..

Prologue:

Kamakailan ay sumakabilang buhay ang pinsan ni docmnel na si Kuya Jori. Kahit sinong dumadalaw sa bahay nila ay magiging close ni Kuya, dahil sa kanyang loveable character and fun personality. May you rest in peace Kuya Jori. You will be missed.


Dahil sa post ni docmnel, nainspire akong isulat ang blog entry na ito. Ito ay entry tungkol sa pinsan kong sumakabilang buhay early this year, at naramdaman ko noon ang nararamdaman ni docmnel ngayon, tungkol sa kung gaano kabilis ang pangyayari.

And after half a year, it still remains.

-------------------------------------------

Introduction:

All Souls' Day. Holiday sa pinas. Ako? ito nasa trabaho dito sa bansang banyaga. AIDS (As If Doing Something) victim sa trabaho dahil walang tasks. Nakakaramdam tuloy ako ng pagka-emo. Iniisip ko kung anong ginagawa natin kung nasa pinas tayo ngayon.

Naniniwala ako sa life after death. Kaya sa ngayon, iniisip ko na masaya ka na sa kinalalagyan mo. Pero di ko pa din lubusang mapaniwalaan na wala ka na talaga. Ganun lang yun kadali. Namatay ka na. Poof, wala ka na, hindi ka na namin makakasama.

Matagal ka ng may sakit. Noon pa man sinasabihan na kami ng mga doktor na tanggapin na namin na hindi ka na tatagal. Unti-unting kinakain ng sakit mo ang functions ng internal organs mo. Buhay ka at naglalakad na kulang kulang ang proseso sa katawan. Pero ni hindi sumagi sa isip ko na ganun ka-aga mo kami iiwan. Lagi kong sinasabi, matibay ka. Madami ka pang kelangan gawin at patunayan. Aalagaan mo pa ang inaanak ko. Palalakihin siya ng maayos. Pupunta ka pa ng US para makasama ang kapatid mo. Ang dami pa, ang dami pa.

Hindi pa din ako makapaniwala kung paano umayon sa tadhana ang mga pangyayari. Hindi naproseso ang papeles ko sa bansang ito kaya kailangan kong umuwi sa pinas ng sandali. Hindi ko malaman noon bakit nangyayari sa akin yun, kung anong nagawa kong mali. Pero tinanggap ko na lang at nagpakasaya na uuwi ako at makakasama ko ang pamilya ko kahit sandali. Sinabi sayo ng nanay ko na uuwi ako. Ang nasabi mo noon, hindi mo alam kung makakatulog ka pa hanggang sa araw na umuwi ako sa pagkaexcited.

May pinangako ako sayo bago ako umalis. Once na magkaroon ako ng trabaho, padadalhan kita ng pampagamot buwan buwan. Masayang masaya ka nun na nakakausap mo ako sa webcam. Sabi ko pa sayo na maganda ang itsura mo sa araw na yun, mukhang walang sakit. Na kung lagi kang ganun ng ganun e gagaling ka sa sakit mo at magiging masaya tayong lahat.

The Story:

Nung araw na umuwi ako sinalubong mo ako sa bahay. Di mo sinasabi sakin na masama ang pakiramdam mo noon. Sinabi ko pa na huwag kang lumabas dahil mainit, masama sayo ang maarawan. Pinagluto mo pa ako ng chicharong bituka, dahil alam mo na wala noon sa bansang pinanggalingan ko. Masaya ka na kasama ako kahit pa wala akong mashadong pasalubong.

Ilang araw lang ang nakalipas ng mabalitaan ko na sumusuka ka daw ng dugo. Hindi kita malalapitan. Hindi ko kayang nakikita kang ganyan. Makita ko lang na nahihirapan ka iiyak na ako. Sinugod ka nila sa ospital. Mixed feelings, di ko alam anong iisipin ko. Anong dapat maramdaman.

Sabi nila, hindi ka na daw gumigising. Pinagdadasal ko, wag muna. Papadalhan pa kita ng pampagamot. Padadalhan pa kita ng mga damit, mga gamit. Pangako ko sayo yun. Di mo man lang ba aantayin yung time na yun? Hindi man lang ba ako magkakaroon ng chance na mas matulungan ka pa?

Sobrang ayaw ko sa hospital. Last time ako nagpunta, comatose ang lola ko. Ilang araw lang, namatay na siya. Pinapapunta nila ako, comatose ka na din. Ayokong isipin na ilang araw lang iiwan mo na kami.

Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit unang yaya pa lang sakin ng pinsan ko e napa-oo na ako.

Pagdating namin sa ospital, hindi kami pwedeng umakyat sa kwarto mo lahat. Kelangan padalawa-dalawa lang. Pina-una ko na sila. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero mabigat talaga ang loob ko. Na parang hindi ko magugustuhan ang makikita ko.

Pag akyat ko sa kwarto mo, nakapikit ka, may tumutulong sa paghinga mo na nakapasok sa bibig. Sabi ko noon, lumaban ka. Eto ako. Eto mga pinsan natin. At ang kapatid mo uuwi galing US. Kaya mo yan, kaya mo yan.

Sa di malamang kadahilanan, nagkayayaan kami lahat na bumalik sa kwarto. Pinayagan kami ng guwardiya. Nasa tabi mo kaming lahat. Napansin namin na mabagal na ang paghinga mo. At napansin ng kapatid mo na hindi na ikaw kundi ang equipment na lang ang nagpapahinga sayo. Tinawag ang doktor. Naguluhan ako sa pangyayari, hindi ko malaman kung anong iisipin ko kaya bumaba na lang ako ng ospital.

Di katagalan, sinabi na ng pinsan ko na wala ka na. Iniwan mo na kami.

Conclusion:

Naalala ko ang birthdays mo simula ng magkasakit ka. Lagi kitang sinusurprise ng celebration, lagi ka din umiiyak. Ang wish ko para sayo, lagi ko sinasabi out loud. Sinasabi ko, more birthdays to come. As in.

Ganun lang kadali ang lahat. Wala ka na. Di na kita makakasama. Ni hindi ka nagparamdam sakin, maliban sa mga panaginip. Sa panaginip ko, buhay na buhay ka. Kasama kita, masaya tayo. Minsan hinihiling ko na sana ikaw ulit mapanaginipan ko kasi dun na lang kita makakasama ulit.

Alam mo ba, namimiss na kita. Sa pasko, uuwi ako. Makakasama ko pamilya natin. Pero kulang, wala ka dun. Last year, hindi man lang kita naregaluhan. Ngayon sa bawat regalong binibili ko para sa mga pinsan natin, iniisip ko na kung ano dapat ang ireregalo ko sayo. Sabi ko babawi ako sayo this year, kaso di na ako nagkachance. Sabi ko sayo bago ako umalis, na isipin mo na lang na mas magiging special ang time na uuwi ako kasi makakasama niyo ako ulit. Pero this time, wala ka na.

Kelan ko kaya matatanggap ito? Next year? 10 years from now? Hindi ko alam.

Hayaan mo Ate Net, aalagaan namin si KC.

Namimiss ko na makasama ka sa kasayahan.










Ingat ka diyan, mahal na mahal ka namin.

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